Twilight: The Rewrite
by SmileysRoxSox
Summary: Twilight in a movie script form, rewritten by yours truly. Features Edward with anger problems and a 'scary human'.
1. Crap Cars and Awkward Silences

**A/N: TwiPuppetProductions presents….Twilight!!! Me and my friends are planning to make a Twilight video with sock puppets on YouTube. This is the script I wrote for it. Yes, me. Prepare to be shocked by the way I can turn a perfectly sane(ish) book into this monstrosity. =)**

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does. But if I did own it, this is what it would look like:**

**Scene 1: Outside Renee's house**

**Bella: ***Sniffs* Goodbye Mom, I'll really miss you!

**Renee: **Yeah, yeah, me too. Your cab's here, goodbye. Me'n'Phil gotta go party.

_(Bella gets into a cab and drives off. Renee and her husband Phil start dancing)_

**Renee:**_ (sings) _Oh yeah, oh yeah, she's gone, she's gone!!! Woohoo!!!

**Phil: **Ahh, my back!!!!

**Scene 2 : Outside Charlie's house**

**Bella: **Hi Dad!

**Charlie: **Hi Bella. I got you a really crap truck so all the people at school will laugh at you on your first day. Oh, and by the way, you'll be doing all the cooking, cleaning and laundry from now on while I lie on the couch watching baseball and drinking beer. I want you to be happy in this shitty town.

_(Charlie goes inside.)_

**Bella:** Umm, happy, yeah…Ooh, a truck! Let me try it out!

_(Bella climbs into her new truck and starts reversing. Something goes bump under the wheels.)_

**Jacob: **Ow!

**Bella: **Oops, sorry Jake. Never mind, broken legs'll heal pretty fast. Besides, you're only the first person I've run over this week. Usually it's three or four! Well, I'll see you around!

_(Goes inside)_

**Jacob: **_(Dazed) _She loves me! Oh yeah, a two ton truck just crushed my legs. Erk…. _(collapses)_

**Scene 3: The cafeteria**

**Bella: **_(sees Cullens) _Who are they?

**Jessica: **They're the Cullens. Duh.

**Bella:** Who's the boy who's staring at me?

**Jessica: **WHAT??? HE'S STARING AT **YOU**??? WHAT THE F…I mean, that's Edward Cullen….mutter mutter she's not even pretty mutter.

**Bella: **_(Dreamily) _He's hot!

**Jessica: **I _**know **_that, idiot.

_(Both girls get up and walk towards the door. Bella trips and ends up with a faceful of spaghetti.)_

**Scene 4: Biology class**

_(Bella walks into classroom before promptly falling over)_

**Teacher:** Sit here, Miss Swan.

**Bella: **Okay.

_(Bella sits down in the seat beside…Edward Cullen!!!)_

**Bella: **Hi, I'm Bella Swan. You must be Edward Cullen.

_(Awkward Silence)_

**Bella:** Do I smell bad or something? Come on, I had a shower just a month ago!

_(Return of the Awkward Silence)_

**Bella:** Fine, Be that way! Humph!

**Mike: **Hey Bella! We're going tot the beach in La Push Saturday. You wanna come?

**Bella: **Okay. _(Bella shrugs, then falls off her seat)_

**Okay, that's the first four scenes. I'll write one Microsoft Word page worth of script each time, because I only type with two fingers and right now I think my hand's going to fall off. Please review, this is my first fic, so I'd like to know if I should consider writing for reading. =)**


	2. Shopping Time and Pencil Jerks

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does. However, I do own 4 sock puppets in the form of the characters.**

**Scene 5: The carpark**

_(Bella is standing by her truck, when all of a sudden a van skids around the corner and nearly hits her. Edward jumps in front of Bella and saves her)_

**Bella: **Yays! Wait, how the *beep* did you do that?

**Edward:** Do what? _(innocent expression)_

**Bella: **Lift the van off me!

**Edward: **No I didn't. You must be imagining things.

**Bella: **Then explain how you're holding the van with one hand, Mr. Smartboy.

**Edward: **Imagining, imaaaaagining….._(drops the van, jumps over the car and runs off)_

**Bella: **Stupid shiny Volvo owner.

**Scene 6: First Beach**

**Jacob: **Hi!

**Bella: **Hi, how are you?

**Jacob: **I'm a werewolf. And the Cullens are vampires.

**Bella: **Really? Well that's nice. Any other news?

**Jacob: **Umm…Bella? I've just told you that 5 people from your school are mythical bloodsucking creatures and you ask me if I've any other news? Are you sure you haven't got brain damage from falling over all the time?

**Bella: **Look, I heard you, I'm not deaf. And I'm not clumsy either. _(Falls over)_

_(Two figures jump out from behind a rock, knocking Jacob backwards into the sea)_

**Jess & Angela: **It's SHOPPING TIME!!!!!! _(They stuff a sack over Bella's head)_

**Bella: **What are you doing to me?

**Angela:** You're going to help us pick out dresses for the dance!

**Bella: **Oh God no! Help, Jake! I won't go!

**Jess: **Tough luck. Get in the car.

_(They leave. Jacob climbs out of the sea, spluttering)_

**Jacob: **Bye Be… Oh, she's gone. Darn.

**Scene 7; A random clothes shop**

**Jess: **Hey Bella, what do you think of this dress?

**Bella: **I think it's ugly, like your FACE!!! I'm off to find a bookstore and perhaps endanger my life!

_(Bella stamps out of the shop and straight into a glass door)_

**Scene 8: In street**

**Bella: **mutter stupid Jess mumble Angela *beep* mutter

_(Bella sees three figures in the shadows)_

**Pencil Jerk 1: **_(To other pencil jerks) _Hey, guys, look. It's that girl we saw in the shop.

**Pencil Jerk 2: **Wow, you're right! For once.

**Pencil Jerk 3: **Can she be my girlfriend, because I'm the prettiest?_(looks in a mirror and sighs)_

**Pencil Jerk 1: **Hey look! She's getting away! Avada Kedavra! _(everyone stares at him) _Oops, I forgot that was just a special effect.

**Bella: **Let me go jerks! Hiiiya!!!_(kicks jerks in the face)_

**Pencil Jerk 3: **No, not the face! I paid good money for it!

**Volvo: **Screeeech! Thump, thump thump.

**Pencil Jerk 1: **Aaargh!

**Pencil Jerk 2: **Aaaaaargh!

**Pencil Jerk 3: **Mummy!

**Edward: **Growl…get in the car, Bella!

**Bella: **What's the magic word?

**Edward: **Look, this really is not the time…

**Bella: **_(crosses arms) _He-hem…

**Edward: **Fine. Get in the car, Bella. Please.

**Bella: **That's better. _(trips over and fall into car)_

_**5 minutes of awkward silence later…**_

**Bella**: I know what you are.

**Edward: **Suuure you do.

**Bella; **You're a vampire!

**Edward: ***Beeeeeep* etc…

_**10 minutes of non stop swearing later…**_

**Edward: ***beep beep BEEEP*

**Bella:**Finally! Are you done now?

**Edward: Yes, no wait *BEEEP*. All done.**

**Bella: **So, tell me about yourself.

**Edward: **I'm 108 years old, I sparkle in the sun and I eat mountain lions for lunch.

**Bella: **Oh yeah? Well I'm 17, I **burn **in the sun and I eat **sandwiches **for lunch!

**Edward: ***sigh* This has been a loooong day…

**A/N: Please PLEASE review. It means a lot to me. Even just to say you read it. If you review I'll put a Jasper in the next chapter. Do it for Jasper. =)**


	3. Eddiekins and Anger Problems

**Disclaimer: ****I tried to buy Twilight once, for a button, 20c and a beetle in a matchbox. Needless to say, things did not work out as I had planned. Therefore, I don't own any of this. Yet. Mwahaha.**

**Nor do I own the Hulk. Or Barney, thank heavens.**

**Scene 9: Charlie's house**

_(Doorbell rings. Charlie opens the door to reveal…)_

**Edward: **I'm here to collect your daughter for our date.

**Charlie:** Wha…but? Bella? Mumble…help…oh God _(collapses)_

**Bella: **Eddie-kins! _(Steps over Charlie's unconscious body and hugs Edward)_

**Edward: **I'd prefer Edward, if you don't mind.

**Bella:** Okay Eddie-kins! So, where are we going tonight?

**Edward: **First to my house to meet my family, then we'll all be playing baseball.

**Bella: **Wait, you guys _are_ indestructible, right?

**Edward: **Yes, why do you ask?

**Bella: **Cos if I'm there, you're gonna need to be. _(trips over)_

**Edward: **I do believe I can see your point.

**Scene 10: The Cullen's house**

**Edward: **This could be awkward.

**Bella: **Don't be silly Eddie-kins! _(Edward growls) _I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

**Edward: **They could kill you and drink your blood?

**Bella: **Other than that, silly.

_(Bella trips over the doormat and falls through the door Edward had been politely holding open for her for the last, oh , about 2.3 milliseconds)_

**Edward:** Oh God.

**Emmett: **Aaaah! Scary human!

_(Emmett accidentally stabs himself in the hand with a knife he'd been holding)_

**Edward: **Okay, who gave Emmett a knife?

**Emmett: **No one gave it to me. It's for self-protection.

**Bella: **Against…?

**Emmett: **The gummy bears, obviously.**Bella: **Don't be stupid Emmett.

**Emmett: **You mean they aren't coming? Yay!

**Bella: **No, they're coming for you all right. It's just that knives can't hurt them.

**Emmett: **Eep! _(hides under the table)_

**Edward:** The one under the table is Emmett.

**Bella: **Nice to meet you, Emmett.

**Rosalie: **_(on phone) _…and I was like uh-uh, and she was like uh-huh, and I was like, you did not just go there, bitch, and…Oh hi, Eddie-kins!

**Edward: **_(on verge of turning into Hulk-like monster) _IT'S EDWARD!!!

**Rosalie: **Whatever, Eddie-kins.

**Edward: **That's my sister Rosalie, bitch queen extraordinaire.

_(Edward sees Jasper sitting at the table, holding a knife and fork and wearing a comedy bib with a lobster on it, like in the movies)_

**Edward: **Jasper, **Put. Them. Down. Now. **Umm, Bella? I'd stay clear of Jasper if I were you.

**Bella: **'kay

_(Carlisle and Esme come down the stairs)_

**Edward: **Bella, these are my parents, Carlisle and Esme. Mom, dad, this is Bella. She's my girlfriend, sorta.

**Esme: **Aaw, my little Eddie-kins has finally got a girlfriend. I thought for a while that you might have been, well…gay. Not that that's a bad thing or anything.

**Edward: **_(looks embarrassed) _Mom! Anyway, she knows we're vampires.

**Carlisle: **WHAT!!! YOU TOLD A HUMAN??? AND BROUGHT HER TO THE HOUSE!!! WITH JASPER HERE!!!

**Jasper:** Hey! I resent that!

**Carlisle: **DAMMIT EDWARD, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART!!!

**Rosalie:** *snorts* Yeah right.

**Carlisle: **YOU LITTLE *BEEP* etc…

**Bella: **Here we go again . Do you reckon that your anger problems are hereditary, Eddie-kins?

**Edward: **Grrr….

**Esme: **Why don't you play Bella a song on your piano while Carlisle…err, calms down?

_(Carlisle is still swearing profusely in the background. Edward sits down at the piano and starts playing.)_

**Edward: **I thought of you when I composed this, Bella my love.

_(Edward plays the song 'I love you, you love me' from Barney. Bella and Esme share a Look of the sort often exchanged by women who are witnessing the stupidity of the male gender. You know what I mean. Just then, Alice comes bounding down the stairway)_

**Alice: **Hi Bella, I'm Alice. Oh Esme, what's wrong with Carlisle. I've never seen him like this before and.._(Alice sees Jasper creeping up behind Bella) _Jasper Whitlock Hale you leave my snack…I mean friend alone right now! So, who's coming to play baseball?

**Esme: **We're all coming, dear.

_(Esme shepherds her children, Bella and still muttering husband out the door_.)

**A/N: Woohoo, that's 3 chapters in the last 24 hours!!! Please review, I know 54 people read this, but I only got three reviews. And two were from the same person. Thanks to The Weird Shipper for reviewing twice! =)**


	4. RocketPowered Baseballs and Mystic Alice

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Twilight. Or even the laptop I'm writing this on, which belongs to my parents. How depressing.**

**Scene 11: Baseball field**

**Edward: **No cheating this time.

**Rosalie: **I don't cheat!

**Edward: Really? So what about those rocket powered baseballs last time?**

**Rosalie: That was Emmett!**

**Emmett: **And it was Jasper with the exploding bat the time before!

**Carlisle: **Can we please just get on with this before I kill Edward?

**All: **Fine…

_(The Cullens start playing baseball. As the author is Irish and has never played baseball in her life, this is all that can be said in this fic without looking like an idiot. I think.)_

**Alice: **Stop! I SAID STOP YOU IMBECILES!!! I'm having a vision!

**Bella: **Vision?

**Edward: ***rolls eyes* Mystic Alice here can see the future.

**Alice: **Oh, shut it Eddie-kins. I see nomads stepping out of the mist……

_(Just as Alice is talking, the Nomads step out of the mist, with typical perfect timing)_

**Edward: **Oh well _done_, Alice. However could we live without you.

**Laurent: **I am Laurent, and this is Victoria, and James.

**Carlisle**: Yeah yeah, skip the intro. What do you want?

**James: **Your human for lunch. Duh. Why else would be here, for a friendly game of baseball?

**Carlisle: Fine. Give us to the count of 10, then come and get her.**

_(Cullens run away)_

**Laurent: **…8, 9, 10! Ready or not, here we come!

**James: **We got to be sneaky, Victoria, sneaky! _(Does weird cross between the worm dance and an army crawl on the ground.)_

**Victoria: **There is _no way_ I'm doing that in this outfit.

**Laurent: **Why don't you just run after them and grab the human?

**James: **Oh _yeah_! Why didn't I think of that?

**Victoria: **Because you're an idiot, that's why! Now let's go!

_(Victoria drags James in the direction the Cullens went, Laurent start walking the other way.)_

**Laurent: **Mwahaha! So long, suckers! I'm off to Alaska to steal Eddie-kins old girlfriend. See you all next book.

**Scene 12: A random place**

**Edward: **In here, Bella!

**James: **Yoink! (Grabs Bella.)

**Edward: **Nooo Bella! Give her back!

**Victoria: **No chance, Eddie-kins.

**Edward: **IT'S EDWARD!!!! _(Head explodes. James runs off with Bella. Victoria disappears in a puff of smoke.)_

**A/N: Ok, I know it's really short. I wanted to leave the ballet studio scene until the next chapter. Thanks to my two faithful reviewers, Everlastingxoxo and The Weird Shipper. The next chapter will be the last. I'll either post it today or tomorrow. Please review, an empty inbox makes me sad. =)**


	5. Superhero Music and a Forgetful Jacob

**Disclaimer:**** For all of you readers who for some strange reason have not read the other chapters, I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. I also do not own a man-eating tiger, a squadron of entertaining winged monkeys, a zombie army, a yellow brick road or a private jet. Life is cruel, my friends.**

**Scene 13: The ballet studio (dun dun duuun)**

**James**: I am an evil criminal mastermind and…

**Bella: ***Yawn* Can we get on with this? Some of us haven't slept properly since their stalkerish vampire boyfriend told them he'd been creeping into their room and watching them sleep.

**James: **Huh?

**Bella: **GET ON WITH IT, FOOL!

**James: **Oh…oh, right. Where was I? Ah yes, the ranting. No one will ever find you in time, despite what the movies show. Mwahahaha!

**Bella: **Movies are wrong? I feel so betrayed!

_(James breaks Bella's leg, before biting her hand.)_

**Bella: **You know, that kind of hur… AAH!!! OW OW OW!!!! YOU *BEEP*ING *BEEP*, YOU BIT ME!!! OW!!!

_(All of a sudden superhero music starts playing and the Cullens appear.)_

**Edward: **Never fear, Bella. I won't let the sadistic vampire hurt y…Oh. Right. I guess stopping for a grizzly burger on the way here was a bad idea then?

**Bella: **HE BIT ME, HE BIT ME!!!

**Jasper: **Take this, stinky! _(Rips of James' head)_

**Alice: **Heeey! You said I could do the ripping, Jazzy-poo!

**Jasper: ***sigh* Fine. _(Puts head back on for Alice.)_

**Alice: **Yay! Let's get 'im, guys!

**Bella: **HE BIT ME, HE BIT ME!!!

**Carlisle: **I'll have to do some tests to see what's wrong with her. _(Does doctory things for a while)_

**Carlisle: **My tests seem to show that…James bit her!

**Edward: **Really, however did you guess?

**Carlisle: **Edward, you'll have to suck the venom out.

**Edward: **But I might kill her!

**Carlisle: **Well, at least if she dies it'll shut her up! Get on with it!

_(Edward sucks the venom out.)_

**Edward: **Yummy! But it tastes of… Skittles? Bella?

**Bella: **I'm not high on skittles! Ooh, look at the pretty purple unicorns, Eddie-kins.

**Carlisle: ***Raises eyebrow* Eddie-kins, eh?

**Edward: **Don't ask. I've sucked out the venom, Bella. You won't turn into a vampire now. Isn't that great?

**Bella: **I won't? NO IT IS BLOODY WELL NOT GREAT!!! WHEN I WAKE UP YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO DEAD, EDDIE-KINS!!!

_(Bella falls asleep)_

**Carlisle: **Well thank God for that!

**Scene 14: Prom**

**Bella: **Remind me why I'm wearing this dress again?

**Edward: **Is it because Alice tied you up and forced it over your head while Rose did your hair and make up?

**Bella: **Why did you let her, more importantly?

**Edward: ***winces* She threatened my Volvo with an axe.

**Bella: **WHAT? SO NOW YOUR _CAR _MEANS MORE TO YOU THAN I DO? YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVEN'T FORGIVEN YOU FOR NOT LETTING ME BE A VAMPIRE!!!

**Edward: **I'm really, really sorry, Bella. How can I make it up to you?

**Bella: **Well, I _might_ forgive you if you bought me a packet of skittles… coughandmakemeintoavampirecough.

**Edward: **I heard you, Bella. Vampire senses, remember.

**Bella: **Darn. What if I said please?

**Edward**: Nope.

**Bella: **Pretty please with sugar on top?

**Edward: **Well, what about if I bought you _two_ packets of skittles and a bottle of coke instead?

**Bella: **Deal. But you haven't heard the last of this, you know.

**Edward: **I know. I _have _read the next script, unlike _some _people I could mention. _(looks meaningfully at Bella. Out of the shadows steps…)_

**Jacob: **Oh, er…umm hang on a sec, I think I've forgotten my lines.

**Edward: **Well, shoo then. Off with you, mutt.

_(Jacob walks off, Bella and Edward start dancing and all is peaceful until…)_

**Edward: **Jasper Whitlock Hale! You keep that large novelty salt shaker away from my girlfriend now!

**Jasper: **Blast! Foiled again! _(Slinks off.)_

_**THE END**_

**A/N: Well, that was the last chapter! The reason Jasper has the last line (other than the comedy value of it) is because everyone loves Jasper, don't they? ****Don't they?**** We'll be making this script into a video on YouTube. Our account is called TwiPuppetProductions, and we already have two short episodes up. As always, please review! It makes me smile when you do. =)**


	6. We Know You Hate Them: Authors Note

**A/N: Don't you hate it when the last chapter is an author's note? I do, but anyways. Just to tell you check out me and my friends videos on YouTube. The link's in my profile. Soon we'll be posting the movie to go with this fic. It was our summer project. I've got the sequel to this up. It's called New Moon: The Rewrite. =)**


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